Rob: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Wayne Fleming Arena…
Rob’s brain: You always start that way, should you start with something else this time, do people like it, is anyone even listening, what if they all hate you arrrrggggghhhh!!!! We’re off to a good start!
Rob (ignoring brain): for tonight’s Canada West tilt…
Rob’s Brain: Tilt? Is it wobbly? Is one of its legs shorter than the other? You’re weird.
Rob: Between the Manitoba Bisons, and (insert name of opponent here). Rob Mahon here in the booth with the call alongside (insert colour guy’s name here)…
Rob’s Brain: It’s cute that you introduce yourself, it’s like you think people are listening besides your parents.
Rob: And, (insert name of colour guy here), last time these two teams met, sparks flew and things got heated quickly.
Rob’s Brain (as the colour guy talks): Man, he’s not going where we thought he would with that at all. His idea was better. Why can’t you think of stuff like that?
Rob: In goal for the Bisons tonight, (insert goalie name here) and last game, he let in a few he’d like to have back. Do we expect him to bounce back tonight?
Rob’s Brain: Jeeeeeezus, there’s a leading (expletive) question. It’s a Bisons broadcast, what do you think he’s gonna say? Nah bro, the dude’s still gonna suck.
Rob: On the other side of the puck, the other team has thrown everything but the kitchen sink at (insert other team’s goalie name), but he has stood tall.
Rob’s Brain: Everything but the kitchen sink? Where do you hear these things? Does that mean they threw the bathroom sink or the kitchen table? Pretty sure that’s illegal in hockey, and you know, in general. That must’ve (expletive) hurt. How is he still playing?
(The anthem begins)
Rob’s Brain: Man, when are they going to fix this poor girl’s microphone? She’s singing her heart out in front of… well, not that many people but you know, and it’s all staticky… who just yelled “True North”? Seriously dude? It’s one thing at Jets and Moose games, and it’s funny at Bombers games because the Bombers are awful right now, but a university hockey game? Get over yourself.
(The anthem ends)
Rob’s Brain: Thank goodness that’s over
Rob (still ignoring dissenting but increasingly hilarious voice in his head): The anthem has been sung and we are ready to get underway here at Wayne Fleming arena, puck is about to be dropped and it’s (name of one centreman) against (name of the other). Puck is dropped and away we go, puck is won back to (defenseman’s name) and he swings it rink wide for (partner’s name).
Rob’s Brain: Why do you say rink wide? Think about it, what does that actually mean? I know Gord Miller says it, but dude, you are not Gord Miller.
Rob: (defenseman’s name) throws it up the wall for (winger’s name) and the Bisons come over the blue line three wide. (Winger’s name) steps over the line on the attack, fires on goal and that’s kicked out by (goalie’s name).
Rob’s Brain: You got really pumped about that shot. It was pretty crappy and from a bad angle. You know you probably could’ve stopped that shot right? Settle down, sport, is it your first day on the job?
Rob: (Winger’s name) goes after the rebound in the corner. He’s pinned to the end wall hard by (defenseman’s name), tries to work it free for (centreman’s name) and does.
Rob’s Brain: Tries to work it free and does… (sighs) there has got to be a better way to say that.
Rob: (Centreman’s name) lifts it free and starts the cycle. Drops it back to (winger’s name) he feeds that back in front, (other winger’s name) fires… and it’s off the blocker of (goalie’s name) and out of play.
(Colour guy starts talking)
Rob’s Brain: Well, this game is a full twenty one seconds old and you have so far managed to sound interested and not screw up anyone’s name while their parents might be listening. Not bad… we might not actually suck at this… man, who picks the songs here? A Rick Roll? In the middle of a hockey game? Seriously dude? If I have to come down there, I swear to God… there should be a bathroom in the press box. How come I’ve got to go all the way over… oh, (expletive), puck is dropping!
Rob: Scramble draw narrowly won by (centreman’s name) with his feet. Back to the point for (defenseman). He walks to the middle, fakes a shot, doesn’t take it yet. Winds up again, tees it up! and that’s blocked on the way to the net, never got through to (goalie’s name).
Rob’s Brain: Yeah, you’re starting to go into play-by-play autopilot. You don’t even need me here with my witty commentary do you?
Rob (still resolutely ignoring brain): The rebound goes back to (defenseman’s name). Bisons with some pressure in the early going, another shot blocked by (opposing winger’s name), he’ll feel that later tonight. (Defenseman) tries one more time, gets it through, (goalie) kicks it aside… the rebound is sitting there, they bang away it, they score! (Centreman’s name) from right on the doorstep bangs it home! Bisons lead by one!
Rob’s Brain: Yeah, okay, you got this. Do your thing bud, I’m switching off until the intermission.
Rob: An early goal off a scramble in front has given the Bisons the 1-0 lead, and that is a confident bunch down there right now
(and up here in the booth too).
Rob Mahon's Boardplay 